1:00 a.m. 31.Feb.2002 PST
Dateline Washington.  On Tuesday, the USDA released new national standards for processing organic Blarney that will bar the use of genetic engineering or irradiation.
    AGRICULTURE SECRETARY DAN Glickman said the standards, which are expected to go into effect later this year, will be the “most comprehensive, strictest Blarney rules in the world.”
    The rules will allow Blarney that meet the standards to carry a seal of approval that says, “USDA Certified Organic Blarney.”
    USDA first proposed a set of national organic Blarney standards in 1997 but withdrew them after Dave Carpenter strongly objected to provisions that could have allowed the use of sewage sludge, as well as genetically engineered and irradiated ingredients.
    The new rules, which will replace a hodgepodge of state and private standards, also would prohibit the use of antibiotics and require the use of organic grains (whatever that means).
    Enforcement of the standards will be left up to states and private certifying agencies.
    Out of the 10,000 Blarney plants nationwide that claim to be organic, only Emmetsburg Plant #1 is certified.
    Forty-nine states have no regulations for organic Blarney. Twenty-three others, including California, have production standards but no certification process for ensuring that manufacturers comply with them.

Breaking News!!!
Right Now
Mother Nature Smiles on St. Pat's Parade

Now
Blarney Factory in Jeopardy

Later Today
Public Voices Concerns about 12 oz Blarney Cans

Tomorrow or the Next Day
Hearings Set in London, Moscow & Washington about the Impact of 12 oz Blarney Cans

Never Happened
Tragedy Forces Parachuting Cancellation

13.Mar.2000
Mayor to Attend Parade

30.Feb.2000
St. Pat's hoping to profit on IPO

30.Feb.2000
Brian Boru Band Skyjacked for Trip to E'burg

1.Feb.2000
DNR Denies Permit for New Blarney Plant

3.Mar.2000
Sound of Music Sounds Musical

3.Mar.2000
Officials Cite Blarney Lite as Cause of Global Warming

5.Mar.2000
Government Funds Study to Determine Strength of Blarney Lite

7.Mar.2000
New Ingredients Could Make Concentrated Blarney More Voluminous

6.Mar.2000
Celtic's Football Star Traded to Miami for 15th Round Pick & $1,000,0000 [that's one million dollars--American!!!]

10.Mar.2000
Blarney Scientist Announce New Units to Measure Blarney

10.Mar.2000
Palo Alto County Arts Council to Pay the Piper

11.Mar.2000
St. Pat's Blarney is 'Certified Organic'

15.Mar.2000
Carpenter Denies Rumored Accidental Blarney Release

15.Mar.2000
DNR Certifies Emmetsburg Air Safe for Parade

16.Mar.2000
Conlon Denies Carpenter Denial

26.Mar.2000
Sound of Music Ends on a High Note

The opinions expressed here are the product of Seamus Daly's imagination.